Monday, 28 January 2013

Faking It

You know? I used to hate looking in the mirror. 
I used to think I was just about the ugliest, fattest thing around. Everyone was more attractive than me.

I couldn't think of a single worthwhile thing about me, I'm not socially smart; sure I make people laugh - at me. Because I'm stupid. I always say and do the wrong things. That's still true now, I am spectacularly stupid when it comes to people. 

The idea that someone might like me was so ludicrous that when the odd guy used to ask me out I thought they were making fun of me.

I thought that no one liked me. And I'm not talking romantically, I'm talking in general. I thought everyone hated me. I hated myself, why would anyone feel any different?

I was the most pathetic, insecure thing around. I was totally broken.

And then I started to pretend. 
I pretended I didn't care what people thought of what I said and what I did. I pretended I wasn't scared of their judgement. I started to fool everyone around me, and then I started to fool myself.
I started to tell myself that I was attractive, that it wasn't just my eyes that were pretty (because my eyes are awesome). That the extra weight that I carried didn't matter. I didn't believe a word of it. Not at first anyway.
Now ... I can honestly say, that most days I am what I pretended to be for so long. I faked it, and now I've become it.
So what's really changed about me? Other than the fact that I know what make-up is for? Absolutely nothing, I'm not prettier, or skinner that I was back then, but I have a much clearer view of myself.


I like myself better now, a hell of a lot better. I can't really convey how much happier I am in myself without sounding conceited. I am a wonderful, beautiful person. I'm fucking awesome!
And you know what - so are you!

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